Archive for July, 2008

Words

by Cross Woodfield

 

So i have just been thinking lately about words…

 

Like in women’s studies we learn to call ourselves “women” because it’s more empowering than calling ourselves “girls”.

 

But I like the word “girls” wayyyyy more…it’s

 

a. less frumpy

b. more fun

c. more feminine

d. more youthful

 

We also learn that words like “lovely” and “coy” that are gendered feminine can be regressive in terms of feminism because they connote submission and a game-playing-with-boys type of feel.

 

What do y’all think?

Can words empower us, or do we feel empowered enough to use whatever words we want?

 

xoxo

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Do You Have a Wallet Shrink?

By Charu Suri

 

Okay, now this is not a trick question. Do you have insight into your “wallet” personality? Please, don’t consult your therapist who we know is dangling at the end of your speed dial.

 

Apparently people not only have a physical self and an emotional self, but also a “money” self. This “financial” self or personality surfaces each time you reach into your pocketbook to buy a new bag, a dress or a makeover.

 

Here is a list of the top “shopping personalities.” See if you can spot your “money” personality:

 

  1. The Impulsive Purchaser: Impulsive buyers are typically attracted to several things at once, especially if the items catch their eye (translation: Want that Chanel bag now!)
  2. The Fanatical Shopper: You check each bargain bin the mall and are a sucker for sales.  (Wait, Marc Jacobs Bags at 40% off?!!).
  3. The Passive Buyer: This personality never asks questions and literally hates shopping (Chances are this person doesn’t even exist. I think they had to make up this personality).
  4. The Avoidance Shopper: This shopper goes to the mall to avoid the reality of life. He or she uses shopping as an anti-stress device. (Hello? We’re in a recession? Isn’t everyone shopping to avoid coming to terms with this?).
  5. The Esteemed Buyer or the Label Conscious: you love designer goods and anything luxe with a label. (e.g. all of Hollywood…)
  6. The Overdone buyer: This personality overdoes everything, even shopping. If you’re buying something, then you buy two of it. (Yes, you need backups. Even of that limited edition Laboutin boot).

 

But spending money on dressing up your sweet spot is recession-proof, people. We don’t care if the Dow Jones Industrial Average comes tumbling down as long as your *down there* is taken care of.

 

“Smart Buyer”? Definitely.

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Oh Baby Baby

By Cross Woodfield

 

So you guys have been hearing this talk of teen pregnancy, right?  Seventeen teens at a high school in Gloucester, Massachusetts got pregnant in one year as part of a pact to raise families together….

 

A lot of people have been connecting these girls, along with rises in pregnancy rates in America, with Jamie Lynn Spears and with the film Juno.  And here’s what I have to say about that.

Juno:  No.

Jamie Lynn:  Maybe.

 

I don’t understand what this has to do with Juno in the slightest.  Juno’s pregnancy was unplanned, and the last thing she wanted to do was raise a family.  She went to an abortion clinic but chickened out, at which point she totally disconnected herself from the baby, basically treated it like it was a hibiscus plant growing inside of her, and gave it up for adoption. 

 

To me, saying that a fictional movie like Juno makes kids get pregnant is like saying that Spiderman makes kids jump off buildings.  If we can’t ever show people doing “wrong” or “dangerous” things in films, then how will kids know what’s “right” and “safe?”  And if we never play fantasy and make-believe then why go to the movies and not just to the supermarket?

 

If we can’t blame Juno (and I think we can’t), why then have young motherhoods sprouted more oft than before?  One theory that I totally get is that nowadays young celebs are sporting babies like they’re next season’s Balenciaga bags.  Ashlee Simspon, Nicole Ritchie, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie…it seems like every issue of People magazine features a new celeb-and-baby coupling.

 

Undoubtedly, just like seeing celebrities smoking makes us think smoking is cool, seeing our more glamorous counterparts with babies makes babies cool.  So cool, in fact, that right now the waiting list for one is nine months long.

 

I think Jamie Lynn, like the girls in MA, is a victim of this life-altering, life-creating “trend.”  It seems to me the ideology in our culture is such that we immediately covet whatever celebrities clutch. 

 

It reminds me of that old saying, “If Angelina Jolie jumped off a bridge, would you?”

I don’t wanna know the answer.

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The Word is Out

 

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What does make sex better?

By Brooke Kelley

 

When Billy Joel said, “There’s nothing better than good sex. But a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex,” it got us to thinking. What does make sex better? For the answer, we looked to the stars, and this is what they had to say.


Rule #1: Be with Someone You’re Attracted to

Everyone’s friend, Courteney Cox said, “I have to be physically attracted to someone. But I can’t just be with someone just because it’s great sex, because orgasms don’t last long enough.”
Rule #2: Follow the Directions
Remember Candice Bergen from Murphy Brown? She’s got some interesting sex health advice for us all on the logistics of the big O. “I may not be a great actress, but I’ve become the greatest at screen orgasms. Ten seconds of heavy breathing, roll your head from side to side, simulate a slight asthma attack and die a little.”

Rule #3: Be Creative
Before she passed, Anna Nicole Smith told FHM, “A ghost would crawl up my leg and have sex with me at an apartment a long time ago in Texas. I used to think it was my boyfriend, then one day I woke up and found it wasn’t.” She continued the relationship with her new pet once she realized the ghost was harmless and–good in bed.

 

When asked her general sex advice, Zsa Zsa Gabor summed it up quite nicely. “Personally I know nothing about sex because I’ve always been married.”

 
 
 

 

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When did virginity go bad?

 

by Cross Woodfield

If I recall, being a virgin used to be a good thing…girls wanted to seem virginal, guys wanted girls to seem virginal.

Virginal was in.  Virginal was sexy.

 

When did the tide turn?  1960?  2004? 

 

Either way, I think it’s pretty safe to say that nowadays a girl suffers from many of the qualities of a leper unless she emits the indubitable energy of having been many-a-time around the proverbial block.

 

Mary was cool, and she was a virgin.

She’s worshipped.

Everyone loves Mary.

 

Britney was cool until she lost her v-card to JT, and I think it’s pretty safe to say it was all downhill from there.

 

Yet so many of my girlfriends rushed to hand over their flower to guys they didn’t even LIKE, never mind love.

 

On the same note, when did “your first time” stop being something special, and start being something to just get over with?

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The Nose Knows

By Charu Suri

 

It’s interesting to note how finicky people can be when it comes to the art of perfume. Apparently Chinese women love harmonious perfumes that are smoothly blended. Flower-petal scents please them enormously, and brands like Chanel are a key influence on their purchases.

 

Chinese men, on the other hand, love fruity and airy scents like apple. Indian men like rich aromas like sandalwood, and touches of musk. The list of innate preferences can go on as endlessly as the string of All My Children episodes, but the key point to note is how particular people are about their sense of smell.

 

Perfumers go to very detailed and specific lengths to blend ingredients, and some can be very pricey. The highly-prized Bulgarian rose, for example, sells for around $9,000 for 2.2 pounds! This is why completely organic and natural perfumes cost a fortune.

 

It’s especially not cool to use any old scent on your skin, especially *down there.* Sweetspot Labs, for example, uses for purpose ingredients for your sweet spot, like Galbanum, which has been used as an aphrodisiac for centuries. You’re advised to spray a balancing mist like Geranium Lavender or Basil Grapefruit *down there* in lieu of ordinary perfume. Trust me, the scents will create a great memory for your lover!

 

There’s little doubt now that the power of smell is linked to memory. If Pig Pen walked into the room — believe me, you would remember him not so much by his unkempt appearance but by his signature smell.

 

Smells can exude more powerful memories than visual or voice recognition. Perhaps parents should spritz those lego blocks with Chanel No. 5 so their kids can remember them? Or coat those scrabble puzzle pieces in Estee Lauder’s Beautiful?

 

We venture a hunch that Coco Chanel was more prescient than we give her credit for when she said, “A woman who wears no perfume has no future.”

 

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